The Flu That Stole Christmas – Part I

Posted by D.J. on Dec 26, 2011 |

I can’t tell you one thing about the book, How the Grinch Stole Christmas.  I feel like maybe I never read it the same way I’m pretty sure I never read Horton Hears a Who.  I think we had all Dr. Suess’s other books.

I remember being in high school and over at a girl’s house I liked.  That night, The Grinch was on television, and I pretended to be excited by saying, “Oh yes, a classic.  Can’t wait!”  We settled in and I remember thinking, “I don’t honestly think I’ve seen this before.”

I didn’t really get into it, and was kind of put off by the narrator who sounded super-creepy to me.

Something about a dog with fake antlers, I think.

This reminds me – not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but I was on a date in high school once and madly in love.  She and I went to go see Philadelphia.  I was nervous, so I drank seven Milwaukee’s Best prior to getting picked up.  Since I got up to pee three times during the film, plus I was hammered, and also that I was constantly wondering if I should make a move, I didn’t pay attention to the plot.  Near the end of the movie, I noticed everyone around me crying.  I actually whipped up fake tears and pretended to blot my eyes.  I had no idea what was going on.  Didn’t get any afterwards.

So, I’m not a Grinch fan.  Sorry.  Plus, It’s a Wonderful Life is basically a perfect movie, so I don’t really feel the need to watch anything else.

My family had structured this year’s Christmas holiday the same way we always do.  My sister comes in from NYC, I drive down from Chicago, and we start preparing.

For the past fifteen years, we’ve hosted a holiday party at our house the night of Christmas Eve.  We don’t send out invitations, and it’s basically a “come when you can” event.  People start dribbling in at around 6:30pm and leave around midnight.  We used to end the party at 10:40pm so that we could make it to the 11:00pm church service.  But several years ago, we said, “Screw it!” and now we don’t get to church.

Before judging us you have to realize that we have a lot of cleanup to do.  Anywhere from 30-50 people funnel through this party, and we go all-out with food and drink.  It’s a lot of prep and tear-down.  We used to get home from church at 12:20am and then stay up until 2am cleaning.  And pretty much every glass and dish has to be washed by hand.  It sucks.

By eliminating the church component, we can get to bed by around 1am.

This year my sister brought her longtime boyfriend, Al.  We don’t always get to see Al because often times he works through the holidays.  I was grateful he was able to come, not only because he’s a fun, good guy, but also that he’s so proactively helpful, I don’t have to do much around the house.  He’s always asking my mom what he can do next, which allows me to waste time in the ways I love.

Al and Dana also brought their two dogs with them, both Haveneses.  Because it’s insanely expensive to fly home from NYC to Peoria in general, and then also kenneling the dogs or flying with them, they decided this year to drive.  It’s a long trip, but they made it.

Ellie, Lil' Miss Meepers, and Penelope

The Christmas Eve party went off without a hitch.  We had a great time and the last guest didn’t hobble her way out of there until after 1am.  It was at about 1:30am that I realized the room was spinning and I needed to sit down.  I wasn’t sure if it was just too late, or if I had consumed too many St. Pauli Girl non-alcoholic beers (I had four).  I felt like a dick, but I announced to the family that I had to go to bed.  I was nauseous.

I’m sure the initial thought from the rest was that I was just trying to get out of work – and, hey, I’m not above faking a little stomach ache to avoid drying dishes.  This time, however, I really was ill.  Not illin’ mind you.  Just ill.

Laura and Carolyn Dewey and my sister. I'm the dude.

Mike, Dave, and Me

Part II comes tomorrow!

The Flu That Stole Christmas – Part II

Posted by D.J. on Dec 27, 2011 |

I left you last, Christmas Eve, 1am, while our last guest had to be escorted by my father who walked her two houses down from where she lived.  She also had helped clean, although I believe broke a few dishes.

Read Part I Here!

During the cleaning, we had set up an assembly line with my sister and mother bringing over all the glassware and dishes to the sink.  Al, my sister’s boyfriend, washed everything by hand and then handed to me for the drying.  My dad was breaking down the bar.

After twenty minutes and twenty dishes, I announced I needed a breather.  I sat down and felt that vaguely familiar feeling of being drunk.  Now, mind you, I haven’t had a good alcohol high in nearly eight years.  And the worst part, from what I remember, is when things started to speed up instead of slow down.

Alcohol is a great relaxer.  Sure there’s some folks that get crazy on whiskey and tequila tallboys and punch out a bar-back, but for most of us, drinks mellow.  At least it did when I boozed.  But when things start blurring and the room gets bright, that’s when the trouble starts.

I sat down, took a few deep breaths, and then stood up again.  I nearly passed out.  Apologizing as I headed upstairs, I needed to sleep.

In my bed I couldn’t get comfortable.  I felt something in my throat pushing, wanting to come forth and out.  But it wasn’t quite bad enough yet for a manual eject and I tried to fight it.

Throwing up totally sober is among the worst experiences your body can handle.  I mean it’s not quite the same as that dude from the movie who cut off his own arm, but I don’t mountain climb, so this is my version of that.  It’s a strange thing because you know you’re going to feel better after, but the act of puking is painful.  Maybe I’m just a giant pussy.  (Not literally)

I ended up puking six times throughout the night.  Also, I’m having what I would delicately call “stomach issues.”  Less delicately I would call it extreme shitting.  If it were an X Games competition, I’d be on tour and sponsored by Charmin.

In fact, and I think this was funny, one time I’m sitting on the toilet doing the deal, and I realize I have to puke.  Since I was mid-liftoff, I couldn’t change position, hit the ground and throw up into the bowl.  Still sitting, I grabbed the mirrored garbage can to the right of the toilet and unloaded.  It was perhaps the saddest moment of my life.

The next morning, being Christmas Day, I was awake only two hours.  I missed the opening of presents, the dinner at a family friend’s, and any semblance of holiday cheer.

Plus, since I was sick, my thoughts were as dark as my continuously spouting bile.  I starting evaluating my life as a total failure.  I couldn’t speak, but I called the girl I’m dating and asked her to reassure me.  She convinced me that I’m not a total piece of shit, but that I’m just doing a lot of shitting and not to trust my thoughts during this time.

I actually made it downstairs for twenty minutes of gifts.  I couldn’t crack a smile I was so miserable.  And nothing is worse than not being able to feel good when you’re opening presents that people have lovingly purchased for you.

The only picture I have that day is from the second gift I opened.  I thought I looked okay, and with my fever-brain, I should have known better.  For some reason I took the gift that Al had given me, one of those headbands to keep warm when you run, and wore it.  Dana took two pictures before informing me I wasn’t smiling.

I forced a smile, and she commenting,  ”Ooh, go back to not smiling.  That doesn’t look right.”

However, even though I technically missed Christmas, it wasn’t a total loss.  I had several great days with my family, a few good parties, and great food.

What I initially thought was food poisoning turned out to be a nasty flu, and two days later I feel mildly better.  Sure I almost passed out at work today, but I made it through.

Thank you for all the well-wishes during my illness.

That smile is not forged from anything wholesome.

This looks right.

The Animals

ThoughtsFromParis Holiday Card 2011

Posted by D.J. on Jan 4, 2012 |

Last December I wanted to do something special for you, my readers.

Many of you sent me your mailing addresses requesting one of my holiday cards.  I happily obliged, even though some of you live overseas and cost me $.98 per stamp!  Yep, that’s how much I love you.  Next time, move over here.

By the way, providing your home address on the internet is not a good idea.  Shame on you.  Use your head.

I thought I’d show you the opus I created (with a little help from Photoshop and also a family of denim lovers).

Behold – the ThoughtsFromParis 2011 holiday card.

Next year I plan on doing something even more extreme.

Hint: It involves your sister.

Pinoy Kikita ka online

Pinoy Kikita ka online

TweetsFromParis – A Retrospective – Part I

Posted by D.J. on Dec 21, 2011 |

Hey, remember all the crazy crap I did last year?  Me neither!

Thankfully the internet records all my goodness for you.  I decided to see what I was up to this past year, reflected in my tweets and Facebook status updates.

I present to you, my dearest readers (that mean the ones most dear, namely the hottest) with a few choice selections from my brain.  This is TweetsFromParis.

Part I is January through June, two per month.  Enjoy!

Received four new stools in the mail today. And I’ll beat you to the joke by answering that, “No, they’re not soft.” Jan 05, 2011Just got busted – guy said, “You can’t bring a dog into Jewel.” I said, “Wow – you’re right!” like I was as surprised as him. Kept shopping. Jan 14, 2011Took a quiz to determine what religion suits my beliefs best – came back with 92% match with Liberal Quakers. Going to start my beard today. Feb 02, 2011Just saw an almost certain lesbian on the subway with the exact same haircut as myself. We nodded warmly toward one another in appreciation. Feb 22, 2011After three nights of sleeping in the guest bedroom as experiment to see if I felt like a guest, I can say, “No, did not feel like a guest.” Mar 02, 2011While I judge those who wear crazy clothing on the subway that scream, “please look at ME!”, I realize I do the same thing via these updates. Mar 12, 2011As I sit here feeling occasional shame about my imperfections, it’s nice to have a cat and dog who are not the least bit disappointed in me. Apr 01, 2011I’m not sure how the forces in the universe operate, but one just guided me to Wikipedia to read all about The Fat Boys. Apr 04, 2011I wish the jacuzzi I was just in was filled with aloe vera as opposed to water and 10 guys from Long Island. Sunburn!!! May 20, 2011If I ran things over at the Wonka division at Nestle, my first order of business would be to retire the banana candy in Runts. May 30, 2011Anyone want to do something? I mean, I’m open if it’s cool. Wait, that sounds desperate. Forget I said anything. Jun 05, 2011I find it funny that I order my popcorn from the Amish, yet the thought of actually talking to one sort of skeeves me out. (it’s the beard) Jun 11, 2011Time to super-clean so that the woman who is checking on my cat while I’m away does not know the truth about how gross I really am. Jun 22, 2011

Accident Compilation