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9 1/2 Funny Ideas For Valentine's Day 2010

Everywhere you look from now to February 14th, the web is full of gooey, sticky, icky sweet Valentine's poems, gifts, cards and more. What about those of us who can only express our emotions through sarcasm and cynicism? Are we doomed to send Be Mine heart candy and chocolate roses till the day we die? Must we send cutesy flash animated Ecards with buzzing bees and cuddly bears that no-one really enjoys anyway? No. There is another way. Here are 9 and a half ideas to fill the entire day that will make this year's Valentines Day unique, original and not so serious.

1. Dedicate a song on your local radio channel. But as Simon Cowell says - it's all about song choice. Picks like "I Touch Myself," "I like Big Butts," Chuck Berry's "My Ding-a-ling" or Barenaked Ladies "If I had a Million Dollars" - any of those will do just fine. Just make sure your valentine is listening.

2. Start the day off by sending one of those personalized e-cards that let you stick the face of you and/or your partner into a funny Valentines Day picture. MeCards.com is a free one with a good Valentine's Day selection. There's also MushyGushy.com, SmileBox.com and FaceDub.com. Other funny ecards sites (but without the photo personalization) are SomeEcards.com and WrongCards.com

3. Play a Valentine's Day practical joke. Buy a box of chocolates and then take a bite out of every piece. Rewrap it and when your partner opens it, act as surprised and shocked as he/she is. For more practical joke ideas, check out Funnypracticaljokes.com

4. Give an original gift. There are plenty of funny original gift ideas at sites like BaronBob.com or BoldLoft.com. There you can find unique couple pillowcases, coffee mugs and other dullness killers. There are also two person t-shirts (yes, you actually wear one t-shirt together), fundies (two person underwear) and HandHuggers that let you hold hands in one pair of mittens, by of course, Smitten Mittens.

5. So once the cards are sent and the gifts are given, what are you actually going to do together on the big day? Dinner and a movie? Eh eh. Why not try...naked finger painting? Picture his and her butt prints framed and hanging in your hallway. Tell guests who stop to admire your abstract pieces that they are original "Monage's" or "Heisenhoff's" and you spent a fortune having them delivered from Berlin. OK - if you must go for something traditional, but still funny, you can always hit a comedy club. Just make sure to order your tickets in advance.

6. For those who like to get even more creative, here are some things you can actually prepare yourself. First on the list, is one of those coupon books. You've seen them before - "the bearer of this coupon is entitled to one sensual massage," etc etc. You can decorate them as you like, and get as racy as you dare. Just make sure that all coupons expire that night in the really fine print so you don't regret anything a year down the road.

7. Next, why not get a little jiggy with it? Prepare a strip tease in your living room. Picture that kid in American Pie riding the shirt between his legs cowboy style. Set up the video camera and you're in for some future laughs as well.

8. Make a treasure hunt. You'll need to prepare a series of clues that your partner must solve in order to discover a location where the next clue is hidden. This continues until the last location where you hide the prize, which can be your gift or just good ole you with a big "ta-dah!" Clues should be personal and humorous like - "Where did we not make hours of beautiful sweet love in the last 2 weeks due to too much housework, long work hours, sick kids, a migraine, and general over-tiredness?"

9. The last preparation idea is a home-cooked meal. But not your average food - prepare funny love foods. For inspiration, check out these sexy veggies on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uw25XzZsJ7c.

9 1/2. Watch a sexy movie together like 9 1/2 weeks. I know it's not funny, but it's a great idea and a great movie starring Mickey Rourke before his face got all weird. Because of this idea, I could not title this article "10 Funny Ideas for Valentine's Day 2010" as I originally intended, but it's a good idea nonetheless and works well with ideas #7 and #9.

Well, that's it folks! Have a funny, sexy Valentine's Day!

Australia's Weird Animals

Of all the places on Earth I think that Australia and the islands around Australia have the largest collection of freaky weird animals that you will ever see. It seems though that the vast majority of these weird animals in Australia are marsupials for some reason.

One of the most recognizable of these weird marsupials is the kangaroo. This national symbol of Australia is found not only on the Australian coat of arms, but also on it's currency as well. There are four main types of kangaroo the red kangaroo, eastern gray kangaroo, western gray kangaroo, and the antilopine kangaroo. Out of these four types of kangaroo it is the red kangaroo that is the largest. Some of the largest red kangaroos have reached heights of 6 foot 7 inches tall and weighed in at over 200 pounds.

in the early days of European exploration many tales of these magnificent creatures were merely dismissed as just made up tales by the returning sailors and explorers. It is fairly easy to understand why when you hear how these early explorers described the kangaroo when they got back home. The kangaroo was described as having a head similar to a deer, but stood upright on two legs like a man, and then hopped away like a frog. If that wasn't enough to make you start thinking that you were being told a tall tale there was also the two headed appearance of the mothers while carrying their young in their pouches. I think if someone told me of such strange creature back in the 1700's I probably would not believe them either!

Another weird animal from Australia that actually used to prey on the kangaroo is the now extinct Tasmanian tiger. The Tasmanian tiger also know as the Tasmanian wolf or it's scientific name Thylacine was definitely a a weird looking creature. The look very similar to a funny looking wolf or dog but stripes from the shoulder to the base of the tail that are similar to the stripes of a tiger. Although these creatures were called the Tasmanian tiger or wolf they were in all actuality a type of marsupial just like the kangaroo and the koala bear.

Unfortunately these creatures were hunted to extinction with the last captive Tasmanian tiger dieing in captivity at the London Zoo in 1931. Although since that time there have been an ever increasing amount of reports of people seeing these extinct creatures.

 

Buy Funny Costumes For Halloween and Have an Outrageous Night!

It's Halloween time again! Well, time to attend and arrange weird costume parties again. Are you having difficulty finding the right Halloween costume for you and your kids this year? Finding the right costume isn't easy at all. If you're too tired of scaring this season, you can make a change. You can definitely make the crowd giggle instead with your funny costumes. Halloween time can be spooky or can be a crack up, or even hilarious.

Why not make people laugh instead of scream? Buy funny costumes for Halloween online and you will be amazed of the widest selections of these costumes for both kids and adults and for the whole family. With these costume ideas, you're sure to be the life of the party.

You can still have a memorable Halloween with funny costumes. And also, these costumes are perfect on any other occasions or theme parties. So grab one now since Halloween is just right around the corner.

You can find the widest selections of funny Halloween costumes online more than anywhere else. You can be in a gorilla suit or Tootsie Roll costume, anything that you can think of that would surely tickle your funny bone. Buy funny costumes for Halloween and celebrate the season with fun and a lot of excitement!

Funny Costumes for Trick or Treat

Be creative this Halloween and wear funny and hilarious costumes instead of those scary ones you put on each year. Any hilarious costumes you can think of, you can shop it online and choose from out widest selection. You can also come with your group of friends in this amusing costumes.

Surprise everyone and make them laugh. Your family too can wear those comical costumes and be the sure hit of the party. With everyone else wearing those scary costumes, yours will definitely stand out. Buy funny costumes for Halloween and have a hilarious and memorable party ever.

Chinese Tattoo Meanings - Best, Great, Weird, Wrong, Philosophical - 5 Types

People are fascinated with Chinese designs because of their tattoo meanings. They use online dictionary, free download, or semi-experienced translators for Asian words. However, did you know that these are not reliable? It can turn your meanings to nonsense, hocus-pocus or a joke. Suppose you pick some cool looking Chinese symbols from a tattoo parlor, and assume that they mean 'loyalty'. However, you can't be sure if those symbols have the right meaning. Perhaps, they mean the 'heart' without the loyalty component. I am sure you don't want that. Tattoo meanings have become very self expressive. Unfortunately, they are not all accurate. Mistakes galore. For the best results, you should hire a Chinese expert.

Weird Meaning - Britney Spears' Tattoo - Britney Spears a flower with the Chinese character tattooed near her navel. She thought this symbol means 'mysterious'. Upon a close look, it is found that the actual meaning is 'weird'. Instead of being the mysterious charmer, the pop queen puzzles everyone as to why she wants to be 'weird'. Wrong Meanings - A Woman's Tattoo Tragedy - A woman got a Chinese tattoo with the meaning 'freedom'. She wants to show everyone her belief. Later she discovered that her Chinese characters actually mean 'free of charge'. What an embarrassment! Also, there are people who like to create their own Chinese tattoos. They combine the Chinese symbols 'power' and 'love' to create the phrase 'powerful love'. The result is not creative expression but ambiguity or wrong meaning. Why not consult an expert to get the right design? Great Meaning - Megan Fox, Chinese Symbol - Your Chinese tattoos should convey what is of value you. Some entertainment stars have chosen tattoos with great meanings. For instance, celebrity Megan Fox, Hollywood's hottest diva, has a Chinese symbol 'strength' tattooed on her neck. This meaning is very appropriate for her rising stardom. Megan Fox needs both the mental and physical strength to stay on top of Tinseltown. Philosophical Meaning - David Beckham, Chinese Saying - Great tattoo meanings are those with special Chinese sayings. I notice that people really like quotes or phrases that reveal truth. As Chinese tattoos become the cult, people are turning to Chinese experts for great quotes and ancient wisdom. Celebrity David Beckham has a tattoo with a great philosophical meaning. It is a Chinese proverb that reads "Death and life have determined appointments. Riches and honour depend on heaven." Media attention has been rampant. He is praised for being clever with ink designs. Best Meanings - Custom Tattoo by Chinese Expert - You can get the best tattoo meanings from a Chinese expert or professional. Get someone who is proficient at English Chinese translation. An expert is indispensable if you want tattoos with special phrases, custom sayings or cultural idioms. Did you know that many people are crazy for meaningful tattoos? Don't try to be the expert yourself. Stay away from free downloads and online dictionary. Avoid weird, wrong and funny tattoo meanings. Hire a professional.

Cocky and Funny - Playfully Teasing Women

How to be cocky and funny...

Cocky and funny is a term coined by David Deangelo author and creator of Double Your Dating.
Cocky and funny is the foundation of what David Deangelo teaches and is simply gaming using a simple
style of "insulting with a smile" then making her laugh.

Very simple yes?

However if you're just starting out in this BEWARE as your results will be mixed and varied.
Be weary of the way you pronounce the lines he gives you as you can come across as arrogant.

When I first discovered how to be cocky and funny with women, I was delighted as a new wave of opportunities came upon me. whenever I was out in coffee shops, bars, juice stations the waitresses would soon know me by name and know I would be busting their balls so to speak.

Here's the deal...

Cocky and funny is a great tool for demonstrating that you're not an approval-seeking, butt-kissing, nice guy. Used right, cocky & funny will attract women and demonstrate a lot of important traits that women are looking for in a guy, such as:

Confidence.

Humour.

Challenge.

Unpredictability.

Social intelligence.

Used incorrectly and women will see you as too arrogant, insecure or weird.
I leave it in your ball park ...

How to be cocky and funny: Tip #1

CAFE: I'll just arrive at a cafe and take a seat so the waitress comes out and before she can take my order I'll say

Alex: Hi there, can I take your order?

Her: haha I'm supposed to say that!

Alex: Really...I've been sitting here for the last 20 minutes without any coffee and look at me I'm all dehydrated ...

BOOKSTORE: I'll be walking around a bookstore and spot an attractive woman flicking through a book

Alex: Hi there ..you know I read that book recently it's a fantatcis book by the way... would you like to know the ending?

If you want to learn the cocky & funny secrets that I discovered after years of trial and error in real-life situations with women, then check out Street Dating Revealed in this DVD I reveal killer tips for meeting women during the day in cafes, park benches and even on the street. go to http://www.streetdatingrevealed.com

How to be cocky and funny: Tip #2

Don't be overly cocky as you can overdo this part and come across as arrogant and insecure. You need to find the right balance.

If you have too much cockiness you will come across as a jerk and if you use too much "funniness" you will come across as too much of a nice guy or a funny man, women want both in men they seek so try to strike the right balance here.

How to be cocky and funny Tip #3

Approach this technique from a casual point and being playful rather than being too serious about it.
Women will sense if you're trying too hard and it'll turn her off

How to be cocky and funny: Tip #4

Practice as much you can, when you're ordering your coffee

Alex: Hi there what coffee do you recommend?

Her: Oh you have to try the caramel mochaccino! It's new, bigger etc

Alex: Hmmm sounds nice ... I'll have a flat white (smile)

Her: hahaha

The more you practice cocky and funny the better you'll become at it and more calibrated you will seem.

This is in essence a very powerful technique and should be the basis of all your interactions, you should always be teasing and playful pushing her away and pulling her back in.

The more you experiment the better you'll get.

Talk to you soon!

 

Funny Ads - CBS Egg Logos and More

Imagine preparing your breakfast in the morning - bacon... eggs... toast... and right there in front of you, a reminder to watch The Amazing Race on CBS. It can happen. CBS plans to advertise its fall line-up on... wait for it... EGG SHELLS! CBS egg ads - sounds funny, doesn't it?

CBS will imprint its logo and eye-catching egg related taglines for three of its shows on 35 million eggs. The eggs will be sold through one grocery store chain on the east coast.

Unique and funny ads normally do well, not really from the actual advertisements, but from the media publicity that it generates. With that in mind, here are some other weird and funny ads that have been done:
Internet casino, GoldenPalace, won an eBay auction to place a permanent ad on the forehead of a man named Brent Moffatt. Haagen-Dazs, in partnership with the Austrian Postal Service, had put images of Haggen-Dazs dessert on postage stamps. Ben Rogovy, a Seattle-based entrepreneur, created "bumvertising," a system of paying "bums," otherwise known as street beggars, to display ads on their cardboard signs. In Dubai, speed cameras on highways are sponsored allowing companies like HP to put their logos on them. Million Dollar Home Page sold 100,000 10x10 pixel ads on their internet website. A 10x10 pixel link is super small. But all 100,000 spaces sold out and the website received millions of hits.

Weird and funny ads, just like the CBS egg logos, are great for entertainment value and a lot of them work, if only for the free publicity. I can't wait to see what's next. Perhaps, one day soon, someone will figure out how to put their company's logo on the face of the moon.

 

Funny Boat Names - What People Choose and Why

One visit to a dock or a sea trip will make you aware of the funny boat names that people choose for their ships and boats. A lot of people buy new boats these days and naturally have to give them names. This is a little weird in itself. Why only name a ship? There is no written law anywhere and certainly, there are no such benefits. People so not name their cars, scooters or air planes, do they? This is a long tradition which has been followed by people all over the world from a long time. Every time someone goes out to buy a new vessel for themselves, they have to dream up of a name that strikes them as having some meaning with the boat. Much to the surprise of these people, this is almost the same as going out to a pet shop and buying a pet such a dog and them wondering what to name.

Eventually, people choose quite hilarious names for their boats so that it stands out in the crowded seas. These names range from a variety of things such as names of mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers. Some people name their vessels after animals and marine life and some people have a tendency to name their crafts according to what they feel when they are traveling on it. For instance, a man bought a new sailing ship and ever since he first began using it, something always went wrong with it - the engine burnt, water leaked so electronics failed. This gave him a lot grief as the boat was quite expensive but to keep with his feelings, he named the boat Good Grief. What an explanation and choice for a title.

There are many people who give really weird names to their boat usually having a relevant meaning in another language such as Latin or Greek. Some want to give really simple meaning names to their ships but do so in a different tongue as this gives an air of mystery to the names and people begin to wonder what that actually means. Even though the meaning is quite simple, they different language makes it seem as something really deep and confusing. Some people want to name their ships with actually very simple phrases and expressions such as oh my god or good morning and so forth. However, this would sound very uninteresting and plain to observers. To keep that sense of enquiry, a different language is chosen. There was this man who wanted to name his boat yes, why not. Nevertheless, this was quite absurd for a name in English, so he chose Spanish and called it Si Como No. Instantly, the name changes into some weird meaning in a supposedly unknown language.

Other than this, people usually assign funny boat names to their prized possessions so that it gives them a feeling that they can cherish while aboard it. They give a name that makes them remember of happy moments of loved ones.

David Web is a boat enthusiast and has been writing many boat related articles to help other boat owners to save money by avoiding costly mistakes.

Learn how to select the right boat insurance Maryland from a popular sailing website that specializes in providing help for all boat owners as well as information on sailing Maine

Funny Computer Wallpaper - A Good Laugh a Day Keeps the Viruses Away

Time to keep yourself in stitches with some funny computer wallpaper. It is amazing how many sites are out there just begging you to check them out. The great part, they are FREE. So nice to get a little back now and then isn't it?

jokewallpaper.com- has tons of funny one liners to keep you smilin' from ear to ear. For the ultimate "computer geek" Yes, that is all of us, so stop trying to ignore the fact. "You Tube, Myspace and I'll Google your Yahoo." All in bright fun colors to keep you smiling away. How about an old man sitting in his p.j.s on his computer, underneath it simply says, "Mouse Potato". This site is a must see. All of the images are free.

get-freewallpapers.com- Offers a series of funny drawings and more. This site is very well organized and offers tons of different funny computer wallpaper. From caricatures to movie funnies, you will get a kick out of some of the images you will find on this site.

make4fun.com- not only offers great funny computer wallpaper, but also; cell ringers, computer sounds, audio clips, videos. This is a must see site for tons of laughter. This site also offers a line specifically for Windows Vista.

wallpapers11.com- features a ton of the greats. For example Calvin and Hobbs, the true laughter pair. Yes, we all know that Calvin could be a little, weird at times, but what kid isn't. Don't be ashamed to admit it. We are all weird kids deep down. This site also offers the opportunity to explore other sites that may even have more funny computer wallpaper for you to enjoy. You can also enjoy many other fun and neat wallpapers from the rest of their collections.

This is just a small sampling of sites that are available. In some cases you can change out your wallpaper every hour of the day if you wanted to keep laughin' til the cows come home.

As always, be careful while searching though the different sites. You never know when you might end up with a virus.

You will find some sites that will cost you to use their wallpaper. These sites will charge anywhere from $5.00 a month up to $45.00 a month. I agree that this is a pain, but the artists for these particular sites are using this as a way to sell their "art" in the form of the wallpaper art. A good example of this is a site called mikebonnell.com He does a lot of surreal art, but has some whimsical and funny wallpaper as well. You can get some of his wallpaper for free, but there is only a small selection for this.

Gary Pearson is an accomplished niche website developer and author.

To learn more about funny computer wallpaper [http://easycomputerbasedhomebusiness.info/funny-computer-wallpaper-a-good-laugh-a-day-keeps-the-viruses-away], please visit Easy Computer Based Home Business [http://easycomputerbasedhomebusiness.info] for current articles and discussions.

Funny Game Arcade Vaults for Online Players

A whole subculture has developed fans who keep track of sites providing cool, funny games online. Providers of flash games as entertainment have taken notice. These sites gained fantastic worldwide presence that has sought to deliver a humongous platform for arcade and related gaming to satisfy the most rapacious player. If you like humorous game play of any type, you will be very pleased at the variety of programs and apps available on the site.

There are many free games online that are playable at the site, and most of them conform to the demand of the market for programmers to provide visually arresting, simple to interface and cool games. Gaming sites deliver fronts to satisfy the craving people globally to enjoy funny games during idle moments at home, commuting, or even taking a break at the office. This is similar to the popularity gaining has acquired among tablet PC consumers and other mobile device users, the main difference being the huge amount of no-cost games available.

Gaming has progressed far beyond the simple Pac-Man and Mario Brothers fare of times past, to some truly dynamic, visually dazzling, and at times intellectually challenging funny games of today. Programmers have proven they can come up with a cool variation on the most traditional of games, such as chess with weird character sets as the depicted pieces, as well as innovate new kinds of puzzle games, or even first shooter type of applications.

Most gaming sites attract and retain visitors and turn them into devotees to offer gaming experiences above and beyond your normal expectations given all the other choices in the marketplace. Anyone visiting these types of sites will notice staggering variety and volume of different games that can be played through these web portals, and the clean and attractive visual interface provided for the game plays. Most of the flash games can be entered into these sites quickly and simply, and may be instantly attractive due to celebrity or other famous image brands associated with gaming.

The coders of the games are very adept at the uses of flash programming to create vibrant and quick loading funny games. The fact that webmasters are becoming more adept at developing interesting and media rich experiences in flash between the major influences permitting the creation of so many different products displayed on sites.

Another element to the funny games and other game programs is how programmers incorporate the latest ideas in game design, with visualizations to implement those designs. The flash programming utilized provides a very sound platform in producing good games with a nice graphic look. Users strongly report positively about: the cool look and feel of the programs, and also the element of interactivity. Games that are visually and interactively engrossing without being addictive in the negative sense of that word, will be more and more popular on the gaming scene.

Cool games and free games online, in fact, are paving the way to building audiences away from the heavy duty commitments people have put into bloated, and at times expensive games that are too time intensive, or brain numbing to be of much good to average users. The best games wake people up and avoid taxing them too much, while being nonetheless diverting and captivating.

Visitors have submitted a large number of glowing testimonials about the high quality of the flash games, the superb visual look of the site, and the value of the recreational experience provided by so many games concentrated in one archive. Users have also uploaded their own funny games in order to take advantage of the video trend, and also to give back to the gaming portals providing so much value to their playing experience. They have also complimented the programs for being a stress or tension reliever, that once played sweep away the tensions built up by everyday living.

There are so many creative games on gaming sites indeed, a player can spend all their time on the funny games sections without even going to other categories. If you have not yet entertained yourself by accessing the staggering vault of sharp looking games, you are missing out on a marvelous playing experience.

 

Funny People Help Make the World Go Round

Funny people are a blessing in this world of misery and war. While their antics can seem insane at times, it is the laughter they bring that keep the rest of us sane. Everyone has a different sense of humor but funny people seem to be able to hone in on their audience and be able to make people laugh.

Whether they are the Bill Cosby clean for any audience "going to the dentist" routine or the George Carlin "7 words you can't say on television" type, there are always people that will relate to a funny persons sense of humor.

Sometimes funny people push the limits. Lenny Bruce did this, while he got laughs he also got arrested once or twice for going over the line. And anyone who watched the Man in the Moon with Jim Carrey will appreciate both him and the comedian he played as funny people who could not only make you laugh but would certainly keep audiences talking for sometime afterwards.

Often funny people try hardest to make themselves or their friends and co-workers laugh the most. The troupes from Monty Python, Saturday Night Live, and the Carol Burnett show have all commented on the fact that they performed more to make each other laugh than to reach out to anyone in TV land.

Andy Kauffman constantly pulled pranks and stunts just because they amused him. And many other comedians have made audiences laugh simply because they did what they thought was hilarious. Whether it was physical comedy like Chevy Chase or Steve Martin often did while on SNL or cerebral comedy like Dennis Miller or Stephen Wright perform.

There are so many different personalities out there that a million different things are funny to different people. The people who write South Park or Family Guy have a completely different sense of humor than those that wrote Fawlty Towers or Three's Company. The people who found John Cleese or John Ritter hilarious wouldn't necessarily get the humor of the writers of other comedies, yet they have followings of thousands and fan bases that span different ages and social situations.

The Red Green show audience is not the same group of funny people that enjoy Seinfeld or The Office yet they all had huge followings and incredibly talented funny people writing for them.

But television and movies are not the only place that funny people lurch. We are surrounded by the class or office clown, who always has that perfect comment at the perfect time to crack a smile on even the staunchest of faces. It can certainly break the monotony of the day to have funny people around us.

Whether they are the Lesley Neilson type who carries a fart sound making machine around with them or a Bobcat Goldthwaite who gets laughs by screaming weird sounds and ranting about life. I don't suggest going for laughs in the office with a screaming routine or by putting saran wrap over the toilet seats but a good fart machine might get a few laughs next time the boss is giving his usual quarterly budget review. Just make sure you hide the evidence well.

Funny people liven up the joint, break the boredom and make the world go round just a little easier.

Funny Questions About Life - Part 2

Back by popular demand, and because if I watch one more reality show I'm going to blow up, I bring you, More Funny Questions About Life. Yes, it's time once more to pretend you're doing your work while reading these senseless, questions that have no purpose or redeeming value what so ever. The good news however, is that they contain absolutely no saturated fats and are loaded with vitamin B12. Ready? Here we go!

Funny - humorous - mildly amusing Questions 1: What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? How do deer know to cross at that yellow deer crossing sign? If a cow could laugh, would milk come out of it's nose? When French people swear, do they say, "pardon my English"?

Comical - weird - witless Questions 2: How fast do hot cakes really sell? Why is the word abbreviation such a long word? How much deeper would the ocean be if there were no sponges in it? Do fish get cramps after eating?

Ridiculous - zany - laughable Questions 3: Why do they call those small candy bars 'fun size"? Wouldn't it be more fun to eat a large one? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is the slowest time of the day for traffic called rush hour? If stocks go down any further shouldn't they change the name from Wall Street to Wall Mart Street?

Even more funny - giggle proof - joke filled Questions 4: Why do banks chain down the pens but keep the doors unlocked? Pineapple. No pine, no apples. What's up with that? Why do drive up ATM machines have braille number pads? If you eat pasta and then eat anti-pasta, will you still be hungry?

Wry - slapstick - side splitting Questions 5: Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? Why could the Mission Impossible people always solve the mission? Why do they report power outages on TV?

Zany - laughable - tongue-in-cheek Questions 6: Is there another word for thesaurus? Why is lemon juice made with artificial ingredients while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? Why do some water bottles have ingredients listed on them? Why do they put a post office box outside a post office if you're already there?

Even more funny - ridiculous - nonsensical Questions 7: Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Who shuts the bus door when the bus driver gets off? Why do people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up every two hours? Why do bags of nuts have "may contain nuts" printed on them?

Now some of these you may have heard before and some may be brand new. But no matter what your opinion might be, that was about three minutes of your life you'll never get back. Still, I hope you enjoyed More Funny Questions Of Life. Look for Part Three coming to an internet near you. For more entertainment, please re-read, laugh, and repeat. That's it for now. I'm not kidding. Really. Elvis has left the building.

Funny Songs - Do They Really Tickle Your Funny Bone?

Folks, we all like funny songs though many of us don't include funny songs in our favorite songs list. Funny songs raise your sense of humor. People sometimes mention the funny bone when they talk about their sense of humor. Maybe you've heard someone say "that really tickled my funny bone."

But the question is whether funny things really tickle our funny bone. This topic is going to be a long discussion. So please fetch yourself a bowl of popcorn if you don't plan to get pissed off with what you are going to read..... cuz its going to be a long read. I will wait. lalalala ok did you come back yet? No? Oh! ok! Still waiting...lalala, You back yet? Ah! finally ok. well..you are not eating your popcorn.....OK. thats better.

Now, are you going to curse me if I ask you to leave your popcorns and taste a few biology snacks? I believe you won't because my grandma says that there are as many good people as there are bad.

So lets taste these snacks one by one:

1. Spicy osteodelight:

Have you ever hit the inside of your elbow in just the right spot and felt a tingling or prickly kind of dull pain? That's your funny bone! It doesn't really hurt as much as it feels weird. The "funny bone" got its nickname because of that funny feeling you get after you hit it.

2. Baked neurocookie:

You get that funny feeling when the ulnar nerve is bumped against the humerus (say: hyoo-muh-rus), the long bone that starts at your elbow and goes up to your shoulder.
The funny bone is funny at just one point or region of the human elbow. Isn't it funny? Oops!! Sorry....I mean isn't it delicious?

But is there any relation between humor and the funny bone? Lets leave this task for you to understand. After all, you need to digest your popcorns and the recipes I brought for you.

Now lets come up to funny songs. Students can also make up funny songs that help them remember historical events or geographical locations or math facts. Needless to say, their musical intelligence is also exercised in the process. Funny songs can also add warmth and a welcoming atmosphere to the classroom environment as students enter the room. Like any other teaching strategy, musical humor should be used sparingly and at unexpected times in order to surprise and delight.

 

Funny Windows Errors - How to Fix Those Funny and Weird Windows Errors

Have you ever wondered why your computer sometimes encounters funny windows errors after several weeks from your purchase? Your windows operating system may behave unusually, and if you think about it this happens when you install and uninstall programs in your computer. It is also common that over time, you encounter funny errors and wonder why and where in the world these errors may have come from. Here are some quick and easy help to fix the errors.

When you experience weird behavior of your computer and you get all those funny windows errors, what you can do is to clean the registry and remove all the junks that may have accumulated over time. However, you just don't simply access the registry and tinker with it. It is the most crucial part of your computer where all the files and settings needed by your operating system are stored. Any erroneous editing in the registry can cause some serious harm to your system that can also lead to irreversible damages and system crash. Worst, your computer may be rendered futile when you mess with the registry.

It is advisable to repair these funny windows errors through a reliable registry cleaner software program that will delete all junks and repairs errors in the registry. The software will scan your computer for registry errors and will give you the option to delete all detected corrupted registry files or just choose the files that you want to delete. A good software also gives you the power to reverse your action and restore your original registry keys should anything bad happens after the fix.

It is also important to maintain the good performance of your computer by running your registry cleaner regularly regardless you are seeing funny windows errors or not. Regular cleaning of your registry will ensure the stability of your computer and prevent the accumulation of junk files that damage your computer. You can always ensure that your computer is running as fast and as reliable as it was the first time you bought it with a good registry cleaner. Check the internet and see how actual testimonies of customers who have benefited from the software. It will also help to visit review sites for this purpose. Windows errors need not frighten you. With a good software program, you can always be your own computer's technician. You will appreciate the software program that can save you time, money, and free you from stress.

 

Funny Windows Errors - How to Fix Weird and Funny Errors on Windows

You ever had some of those infamous weird windows errors that will basically ruin your life if you do not get to the bottom of it? At first, it may seem kind of funny, then it keeps happening again and the situation actually becomes hopeless and scary, the thing is there are a few steps that you can take to finally solve the problem once and for all.

Okay, this is what you want to first do, you want to make sure that you run some type of anti-virus program, and see if there are any errors, this is great, and of course this is what many people do, many times to no avail. You want to try to scan your music or video collection because when these are downloading these can actually come combined with tons of malware.

Alright, now that you've done those things, now it's time to actually go to plan B; just to make it clear, plan B is not enforcing plan a, you actually want to use a registry cleaner; this is to clean out one of the most important parts of your computer known as the registry.

You see, when spyware installs itself on your computer, it will install itself in your registry, meaning that it's deep rooted in your computer and can bring itself back up again. There are many antivirus spyware software that will help your computer but only temporary and for a short time.

You want to get all of the programs that are hurting your computer out of your registry and only keep the good ones, even if you do not have risky internet behavior such as downloading, you can still get errors that are related to spyware or just a cluttering of your computer, either way get the problem solved today!

Are you experiencing Repair DLL Error Messages, EXE error messages, general slow downs of your computer, Sychost, System 32, Fix General Protection Fault, General Shutdown, Javascript, Activex, Adware, Spyware, Viruses, or a huge variety of errors for your computer? You can fix this with a very easy to use registry fix tool that is available for a free trial.

 

How To Stupidly Drive Huge Traffic To Your Blog Or Website Using Funny Videos On YouTube

The concept of using funny videos on YouTube to generate free traffic to blogs and websites can not be overemphasized. Just to throw more light on the topic we are going to be looking at the most effective ways of utilizing this method. In order to generate huge traffic to your blog or website using YouTube you have to make sure the video you upload onto YouTube is very funny, silly, weird or stupid or very educative (it teaches something).

Try funny stuffs like a weird looking guy singing a popular song in a funny way. Try stuffs like wearing a funny hat and making your eyes look "screwy" (screwed up). Tell a joke in a very unfamiliar way. Play with or make a caricature of a popular character, either a movie star or a popular action figure. Try using customs and make a funny act with it. Go the extra mile by trying to act it out as if you are a Hollywood star on a real set. It doesn't really matter what ever funny stuff you decide to do in the video at the end of the day what matters is how silly or stupid it turns out to be. If you do this well you could be well on your way to starting a new career in the film business, who knows you could get discovered by a Hollywood agent who comes hunting for talents on a popular ground such as the YouTube. Nothing is impossible these days.

When you have done all these and you have shot a cool video. Make sure you don't forget to put your back-link (website URL) at the top or at the bottom of the video when uploading it on to YouTube i.e. you should edit the video in such a way that your website URL appears at the top or bottom of the video during playback. If possible include it (back-link) at the beginning and the end of your video. Let the video(s) have a very catchy title. Lastly, using these guidelines try making as many funny videos as possible. If you can not do them all by yourself then hire a freelancer to do them for you.

I am Daniel Danlord. I am a Singer, My stage name is DANLORD and I have recently released my first Demo. I also rap and I write songs too. I do paintings (both oil and digital paintings). As you may have guessed by now I am a blogger. Besides blogging I also write books on how-to, Children's Stories, Manuals for products, and Novels. Visit my website: [http://www.danlordblog.com], [http://www.dmoneyblog.com]

Ideas for Funny Wedding Invitations

Wedding invitations are the initial means by which you tell people about your joy and excitement long before your most special day. Traditionally romantic in theme, wedding invitations don't have to be touchy or mushy all the time. Depending on your personality, you may consider other creative themes to officially announce to the world about your wedding. One great idea is to print lighthearted or funny wedding invitations.

Make your invitees smile with creative invitations that are humorous in tone. To create funny invitations, all you need are the usual comic elements - funny words and silly visuals. Anyone with a sense of humor will surely appreciate your efforts to be unique and well, funny. If you need help to get started, here are some ideas for that you may want to consider:

Make a silly cartoon or caricature

Have someone draw you and your beloved in silly caricatures or cartoons. Complete the concept with word balloons, which may contain the words you want to say to your invitees. Alternatively, you may prefer to just have caricature versions of the two of you as the front design of your invitations.

Spoof pop culture

Another great idea is to create a design that parodies a famous television or movie couple (like Aladdin and Jasmine or for a more humorous take, Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog). You and your fiancé may pose as the leads and in costume, no less, to complete the effect (Or you can just use Photoshop). It would be a better idea if the pair you choose is not only recognizable, but also a favorite of you two.

Use funny wordings

A few humorous lines can add impact to your invitations. You could either search the Internet for something to use or you may come up with a funny rhyme yourself.

Take some hilarious photos of yourselves

A goofy photo of the two with equally funny captions is a great backdrop for your funny wedding invites. You could make faces or do some amusing poses for the camera. Let your imagination run wild as you ham it up.

Play with the size and shape of the wedding invite

If you take pride in being different and want to push things a little bit more, then consider creating funny invitations with weird shapes as if they were cut out by a five year old. They won't be your typical wedding invite, sure, but nobody said that you have to be bound by tradition.

These are just several of the many great ideas you may try to create funny wedding invitations. If you don't want your invitations to be too formal and serious (or mushy), then remember any of these in planning your invite's design. It's up to you to add creativity and a little bit of your personality to come up with a truly unique and funny concept. You can't go wrong with a wedding invitation that is lighthearted and funny, as long as you keep it in good taste.

For comments and inquiries about the article visit Funny Wedding Invitations

Rhyming Funny Poems For Valentine's Day - Where to Find Them

Looking for the perfect romantic gift for the Valentine's Day? Then you can try funny rhyming valentine poems to surprise your partner and make him/her laugh. It will be a day he/she will remember for many years to come. You know how most people don't really bother to think of a new idea for the Valentine's Day. They just go with the traditional way of getting a simple gift or a box of chocolates.

So how about you surprise your loved one and show them you are unique and different from the rest? Using a rhyming funny poem for the Valentine's Day is a great idea to be unique. Nothing is more fun than laughter, and you can give this gift to your partner on the Valentine's Day. A cute funny love poem that will make him/her laugh will make your day more special and memorable.

So Where Can You Find Funny Love Poems?

The good news is, you can find many famous and funny love poems on the Internet. There are many free websites where you can find the top rated valentine poems that rhyme to choose from. So you can rest assured you can find the perfect rhyming valentine poem for your loved one. This poem will make your gift more impressive and special as well.

The Secret to Finding Best Funny Valentine Poems

The secret to finding the perfect valentine funny poem is knowing what to search for exactly. There are many types and styles, and searching for your favorite style is the easiest and fastest way to find it. For example if you and your partner are interested in cute poems, you can search for "cute love poems". If you are looking for something creative and a bit weird, you can even search for "twisted funny poems."

Simply do a quick search in Google about your favorite kind of poems and you will find a lot of humorous and romantic poetry to choose from. Good luck and have a romantic, memorable Valentine's Day.

Looking for Short Funny Poems to make you laugh? Sometimes nothing is more humorous and entertaining than short funny poems.

Then check out these new Funny Love Poems to surprise your partner and enjoy a romantic funny Valentine's Day together.

Staying On The Funny Side Of Bluetooth

"I'm excited about your birthday present," my husband said to me, holding up a small Fedex package with a bow attached, wearing the same expression as last year when he handed me my new gutter irrigation system. "It's something you can use," he said, "to make your life easier." No way could that package hold an overweight Russian nanny named Svetlana who loves Chuck E Cheese and cleaning toilets. I wasn't buying it.

"It's a Bluetooth!" he exclaimed as I stared at this odd little black device that looked like a plastic roach. "You put it on your ear. It's so you can talk on your cell phone without using your hands!" His face flushed in excitement. "This way you can carry the groceries while you talk!" What a kind man - to be so concerned with my welfare. I knew he was still mad at having to fish my cell phone out of the toilet. I'm not technologically savvy, but I must admit that the idea of being able to make calls without using my hands was appealing. Even if he did have to spend an hour explaining how it worked.

"Does it play music?" I asked, turning it over.

"No, sweetie, you can't download music on it," he said with a condescending smile.

"What about TV channels? Will it get American Idol?"

"No, you can't get American Idol. It's a phone." He gritted his teeth.

"What about GPS like in the commercial? Can it give me directions in my ear? That would be really cool."

He looked at me like he didn't recognize me and spoke really slow. "It's Bluetooth. You use it to talk on the phone without using your hands. That's it."

"Oh."

It was weird at first, having this device in my ear. It didn't look right with my hair or any of my outfits. And it was so light that I'd accidentally brush against it and once I thought it was a roach and swore I felt it move and I screamed and almost ran the car into a homeless guy. But somewhere along the way I started to enjoy the benefits of modern technology. I liked the looks I would get from people who figured I must be somebody important. I began to wear it everywhere - the drugstore, the doctor's office, the gas station. Suddenly I couldn't wait for the phone to ring so that I could now do sixteen things at once instead of the mere fourteen I was limited to before owning this life saving device.

Three days I wore that thing and not one call, except for the Verizon telemarketer who has now removed me from his calling list because I kept him on the phone for thirty minutes while I tested all the features. "Okay, now let me call you this time and practice putting you on hold. If we disconnect, call me back. And I still want to try this button to the right. Ooh, here's the volume. Now this is cool, can you call me again and this time put me on hold? What about Fred in the cubicle beside you? Can we bring him on again? Okay, can you hear me now? Get it? Hear me now? That is you guys isn't it?"

Now I understand what all those people were doing - talking to themselves in cars with both hands still on the wheel - chatting at empty walls in airports. The cute guy I thought was hitting on me and the lady I chatted with all the way from auto parts to cat litter. No wonder she kept giving me weird looks. I thought those people were a little touched and added them to my prayer list. But they weren't crazy - except for the lady brushing her stuffed dog - pretty sure she was the exception. Now that I owned a Bluetooth I worried that people would think I was talking to myself, until I realized I talked to myself before I owned Bluetooth so this device would actually give me more credibility. I finally had an excuse. Ninety percent of the time I talked, the thing wasn't even turned on.

I try to be a polite Bluetooth user but I have an annoying habit of yelling when I talk on my Bluetooth. I can't explain it, but something about that device makes me think anyone who calls me is deaf. Turns out my Bluetooth is voice-activated to recognize verbal commands which I also feel compelled to yell. My Bluetooth and I have a love hate relationship. When we're good, we're really good. When we're bad, it's not pretty.

I was so excited about the voice activation feature that I spent the entire first day yelling commands: CALL MOM - CALL BILL AT WORK - CALL THE POST OFFICE - CALL VOICE MAIL. I would get distracted and while waiting for change at McDonald's yell, "CALL HOME" to the complexion-challenged red-head who was still mad at me for yelling "CALL 911." At first it was cool to talk to my Bluetooth - with the exception of that little incident where I was so busy talking I knocked over a display rack of pantyhose. Yeah, it was fun at first. Not so much anymore. Mainly, because I am from the south and apparently my Bluetooth isn't. We seem to have a verbal disconnect. I think she (yes, she) gets mad because I yell and call my voice mail every hour for no other reason than just to play with the device. And I think every so often she gets into a bad mood and just wants to remind me who's in charge.

"CALL HOME PLEASE," I yell, deciding to check my messages for the third time in an hour. Oops. Not turned on. Okay, let's try again.

Bleep. "Please enter your command," she says for the fourth time that day. I swear I hear her sigh.

"CALL HOME PLEASE," I yell, a little louder this time.

"Did you say, call police?" she asks sweetly.

"NO, I SAID CALL HOME PLEASE!"

"Did you say, call Belize?"

"NO! HOME, CALL HOME!"

"Did you say, call Shalome?" she asks.

"NO! AND WHO WOULD YOU CALL ANYWAY? WHO IS SHALOME? I SAID CALL HOME. H-O-M-E - HOME. CALL HOME!"

"Did you say call Rome?" she asks.

"NO! I DIDN'T SAY CALL ROME, I SAID CALL HOME!"

"Calling Rome, please wait," she says. I swear she's smirking.

I hang up, debating whether or not to try it again. Yes. It is now a matter of principle.

Bleep. "Please enter your command," she says for the fifth time that day.

"Call home," I say in my best northern accent, trying to disguise my voice.

"I'm sorry. Could you repeat your command?"

"OH FORGET IT! I'LL JUST DIAL THE STUPID NUMBER MYSELF!"

"About time," she whispers.

Thank you dear hubby for my new toy. I thought road rage was my anger threshold. Nice to see that the bar has now been raised. Thank you for the gift intended to make my life easier.

(PS: And for the record, your calls are not free when you use your Bluetooth - especially during something called peak hours. My husband says he'll explain it to me when he's calmed down.)

Kelly Swanson

Staying on the funny side...

[http://www.kellyswanson.net]

kelly@kellyswanson.net

Staying On The Funny Side Of The Boogey Man

I never used to get scared when I was young, single, and living in an apartment complex overlooking the projects where even the sound of gunfire didn't keep us from opening a ground floor window to catch a breeze. I felt safe surrounded by my family of strangers who made window art out of beer cans, whose cars vibrated to the beat of their own drum, and who were prone to pack up and move in the middle of the night. I slept soundly to the pulse of the blue light blinking through my bedroom window. But somewhere between marriage, motherhood, and moving into a quiet house in a nothing-out-of-the-ordinary neighborhood, I became a chicken. Suddenly I'm convinced that it has become the American burglar's dream to get his hands on our dusty VCR, hand-me-down televisions, wallet with three dollars and a handful of Chuck-E-Cheese tokens, and a collection of Beanie Babies that I am convinced will get us through retirement - or even worse, to have his way with me, which even I have to admit makes for a pretty desperate burglar.

I considered an alarm system but decided that I would rather be taken by surprise and killed rather than hear an electronic voice whisper from my bedroom wall that an intruder is coming up the stairs. In fact, I would probably take myself out to spare myself the agony of suspense. And with my luck, I would get the electronic alarm voice with the bitter just-left-my-husband attitude. "See, I told you he was breaking in, you fool. Next time maybe you'll listen to me. I'm thinking you asked for that one. You should never have gotten married; this fool here isn't going to protect you. That's a man for you." No, I don't need an alarm system. I married an ex-football playing power lifter who is convinced that he can kill someone with his bare hands - despite the fact that our living room bookshelf collapsed in the middle of the night last week and he didn't even wake up. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that if the burglar wants to come in, there's nothing that can stop him. I think the makers of alarm systems need to talk to the makers of toy packaging. If burglars had to work as hard getting into a house as parents have to work to open a new toy - the hard plastic, those twist ties, all those tiny screws - that boogey man will not stay the course. I'm just saying.

It's when hubby goes out of town that I struggle. I'm not scared at the thought of him going, and certainly not scared enough that I can't plan an enjoyable evening of scallion chicken, chocolate, scented candles, Gray's Anatomy, three episodes of Law and Order, and a Lifetime movie about a woman being stalked by her lover's ex-girlfriend's crazy roommate, starring Valerie Bertinelli. For some weird reason I'm not scared earlier that afternoon, or at dinner, or at 9pm, or at 10pm, or even at 11pm. But at 11:01 my eyes start to shift and campy horror music tracks start running through my head. In my mind, that's when the boogey man clocks in and starts creeping slowly down the street in his rusty old Dodge Dart and trunk full of duct tape and hefty bags. I am not scared until I put on my flannel nightgown (just so he won't be tempted), fuzzy socks, and crawl under the covers. That's when I hear the noise. Never fails. Every time. I hear a noise. I do a quick run through of all the explainable noises - ice maker, cat, air conditioner, leaky faucet, sound of the whistle inside my own nose. None of these. I am convinced that this is a noise only the boogey man can make.

I try to be logical - what are the odds that this guy would choose my house - which doesn't make me feel any better because it's the same logic I used when I convinced myself nobody would see me if I ran out to the mailbox in my bathrobe. That story didn't end well. There are still children in therapy over that one. In fact, odds were good that he was going to pick my house because I had just mopped the floors and wouldn't that just be a kicker, to go out after having spent hours cleaning your floors - like washing your car and it rains - those are my kind of odds. Okay, so I didn't actually mop them, I swept them. Okay, okay, so I just used the dust buster in the corners - what are you, the clean police? I considered making the boogey man's job easier by going ahead and putting all my belongings on the front porch so he wouldn't have to come in. But my lazy side convinced my fearful side that was a bad idea. Besides, last time I left piles of stuff on the curb, even the bums rejected it. I considered sleeping in a different room to surprise him but that would mean having to wash the sheets in the guest bedroom.

I imagine the boogey man looking through my car trying to remove the expensive electronic equipment that's not there - it's a ten-year-old Hyundai for gosh sakes - and I can actually hear him swear as his fingers wrap around a petrified french fry and the chewed-up nugget remains that have grown hair in between the seats. I see his lips curl up in disgust as he flips through my CD collection. If he were a smart burglar, he'd go for the bag of diet bars in the back seat that cost more than my car is now worth. Shoot, if he were smart, he'd pick a different house. Take the CD's, by golly, but those diet bars cost me a fortune. Only in America does it cost more money to eat less. Great, now he's mad and he's coming inside. I know this because I can hear him picking the lock downstairs -so what if I can't hear my husband when he gets locked out and bangs for thirty minutes on that downstairs door - now I am sure I can hear that boogey man breathing and breaking into the house in slow motion - because that's what they do you know, move in slow motion while looking both ways like kids about to cross the street. So much for the big dog house that's supposed to scare him away. I'm convinced that he's been casing the house long enough to know that the scary big dog went to the vet and didn't come home whereupon the burglar gossip line went crazy - "Dog gone at the Swanson's, I repeat, dog gone at the Swanson's."

That's when I realize I don't have the phone - dummy - any fool knows that you won't have time to get the phone if it's across the room. But now I'm worried. Do I have time to get to the phone before he reaches the top of the stairs? Should this time be spent finding a hiding place? And would I still fit on the top shelf of my closet like I imagined when I was smaller? Should this time be spent trying to get out of the bathroom window - oops - the same window that won't open anymore because I painted over it by mistake? Great. I can hear my husband now leaning over my dead body saying, "Well, you might have gotten away if you had listened to my advice. That's what you get when you do a rush job." I decided to make a run for the phone. I'm still here, so obviously it was a good call. Excuse the pun. Even when I'm scared, I've still got it.

Then I can hear the sound of his pick ax brushing the wall going up the stairs. It's weird how your heart can be throbbing through your chest, your life can be flashing before your eyes, you can be picking out thirty-seven escape routes and hiding places, and still wonder if this is the night gown you should be caught dead in, picturing your blue-haired relatives leaning over the casket saying, "What a shame. So young. You think she could have picked a better gown. I didn't realize she had put on that much weight."

These are the times when I always wish I had taken a self-defense class. I try to remember everything my husband told me to do when you're getting attacked. Shove him up the nose. No, too gross. Poke him in the eyes. Eeeewwww, even worse. No way. Knee him in the groin - maybe, but last time I tried to hike my knee up in aerobics I fell down. Beat him until he doesn't get up, my husband tells me - over and over. He obviously didn't see me when I cried in kickboxing class because my knuckles got scraped. He obviously hasn't seen my bruises from trying to get my three-year-old dressed. My husband has this image of me that doesn't exist, perhaps never did. He didn't know me the time I ran into the cement pole in front on Big Lots because I was looking down at my shoes to see if they made my feet look big. He didn't see me wave and smile at the swaying drunk guy who was pee'ing on the dumpster outside the Circle K because I didn't want him to think I was rude. The idea of me overwhelming my attacker is about realistic as the idea of me passing a Krispy Kreme without stopping.

It is for these reasons that I consider myself a pacifist, but sometimes the mind does crazy things and I decide that in order to protect myself and my sleeping child, it's time to get the gun. Yes, I said it. We have a gun. Not my idea. My husband brought guns into the marriage. I do not like guns and the idea of giving one to me is like giving a knife to someone with seizures - you don't know what will happen but you can bet it won't be good. But drastic times call for drastic measures and the gun is closer than the knives in the kitchen and I can somehow imagine myself shooting someone from a distance easier than trying to knife him the same way I poke a potato. I am sweating just thinking about the gun which is hidden in the top shelf of a closet in the next room. There are no bullets in it, so the best I can hope for is to throw it at him. But sitting there wide-eyed in my granny nightgown at three am - well, I'm not thinking clearly. I go for the gun. I practice pointing and saying, "Make my day. This is going to hurt me worse than it hurts you. I have a gun and I'm not afraid to use it. Give me all your aces." Okay, so at least I was entertained and momentarily forgot my fear. Until I had to pee.

Everybody knows that there are two moments when the traditional boogey man will strike - when you're in the shower and when you're squatting - both very vulnerable positions. Not as vulnerable though as if it were the middle of your annual exam. That would never happen though because the boogey man would take one look at the stirrups and syringes and run. Or tell him the stick turned pink and that'll get rid of him. I should sleep at the doctor's office when hubby is out of town - kind of like hunkering down in a safe bunker - or whatever the expression is. Anyway, the movies never show you how to handle the whole having to pee situation. But now I really have to go. Surely I can't put the gun down or he'll grab it and turn it on me - or rather throw it at me as the case may be. There is only one choice. I have to pee and stay armed at the same time. I once drove three miles, in the rain, with broken wipers, while applying lipstick and changing a diaper. I can do this. And I do. And with great skill and manual dexterity might I add. I complete my business and never once take my finger off the trigger. Annie Oakley, you got nothing on me.

Now I'm back in the bed, eyes wide, brandishing the gun wildly around the room and realize that my child is sleeping across the hall and what if the boogey man goes there first? Although there are days when I am convinced that if my wild-eyed toddler ever got abducted, they would certainly bring him back, I just don't want to take any chances. And it's usually at this point that I run into his room and grab him and bring his snoring body back to my bed where I am fully prepared to throw myself over him and yell, "Take me! Take me!" But now I've got the sleeping kid and the gun and I don't want him to wake up and see the gun - bullets or not. And what if my husband comes home early for some reason and can't reach me on the phone that is lying on my stomach because the battery has suddenly gone dead and so I don't know he's coming and he sneaks in and I don't hear him and I shoot him by mistake - and I know there are no bullets in there, but good grief, how can you be sure? I'm certainly not going to open it to find out.

I decide that I would rather be shot than accidentally shoot my family and I put the gun under the bed. Nope, not a good idea, because undoubtedly Junior will pull it out covered in dust bunnies the size of a small dog - he finds everything - and he'll start playing with it and put it in his backpack (despite the fact that he still can't work the zipper) take it to school and he'll get expelled from preschool and I'll get arrested and they'll say this is why the world is in the state it's in - and makes sense - she was the mom who sent chocolate bars for snack instead of carrots. And I'll go to jail and end up rooming with a boogey man or boogey lady, as the case may be, and find out that it was her cousin who broke into my house and caught me on the john and still has the mental scars to prove it. Better to put it back on the top shelf of the closet and resort to plan B where I tell the criminal to please hold a minute while I run and grab my unloaded gun.

It is 4:30am and I'm wide awake with one arm on the phone, fingers gripping my new razor in the hopes of nicking him to death, and the other arm on my Bible, having decide my best chance at scaring him off would be to witness to him - he would either run or be saved, either of which would work in my favor - while my son snores loudly beside me. And then somehow - as I'm praying that if this is my night to die, to please make sure that my husband does not find anyone else skinnier, and if there could be chocolate in heaven I would be really happy - by some wonderful miracle, I fall asleep and wake up at that magical hour of 6am where I am no longer afraid because the sun is now coming up and everybody knows that the boogey man gets off work at 6am - just like he gets snow days and Christmas eve off. And I drift back to sleep and all is right with the world and there is peace. I have had my brush with death and lived to write about it. Little do I know that there is another fear just lurking around the corner - when I would mistakenly think that with just a little bit of spandex I could fit my size fourteen body into a size ten pair of jeans. I still have the bruises to show for it.

P.S. Did you know the average burglar only makes 4,000 a year? What if that's based on just one good hit? That's not bad if you average it. I think he's making more than I am.

Kelly Swanson, Humorist

Powerful Message, Outrageously Funny

[http://www.kellyswanson.net]

kelly@kellyswanson.net

Top Three Ways to Cheer Yourself Up Using Funny Quotes

It's OK to feel sad and gloomy sometimes, for it was the sad moments of life that makes us realize our true potential. But it's not OK to feel gloomy for a too long period of time for it can literally suck our life. Read funny quotes when you find it to difficult to get out of blues. Here are Top five ways you can use funny quotations and cheer yourself up.

1- Read them out loud

Instead of reading them in your head silently, read them out loud. The more you read them out loud, the more quickly your sadness fades away and you feel happy and enlightened. Reading them loud moves your concentration from the reason making you sad to the funny words of funny quotations which in turn cheers you up almost instantly.

2- Hum them

Whenever I am down in the dumps, I hum some of my famous funny quotes. I feel great doing so. Weird as it may seem but it works for me, literally and so for you. Give it a try, you'll have great fun. Try this one, for instance:

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

3- Make Cheer up Funny Quotes Book

I've started created this funny quotations book couple of months ago. I update this book what I called Cheer up Book whenever I come across a new funny quote which I found worth jotting down. It has worked out really well in terms helping in chasing my blues away from the very day I created it. You can create one such for you. You can also add some funny pictures or smileys etc to make it more effective. And next time you feel down, grab this book and you'll feel much better for sure.

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Weird Al Finds Gold - Parody, Satire & Jokes

Many of you have heard of the musical artist "Weird Al" Yankovic. "Weird Al" is famous for taking popular songs and changing the lyrics into something humorous while keeping in the same style as the original song. The big question surrounding "Weird Al's" music is this: Can he take somebody else's song without asking permission? The answer is "yes." This is because "Weird Al" creates a parody of the original song.

I am told that Yankovic obtains permission from the songs' owners just to keep good relations and avoid the hassle of controversy. The copyright law has carved out a special section in regards to fair use that pertain to parody and satire. So what exactly is the difference between a parody (which would allow "Weird Al" to make his music) and a satire (which are afforded protection under fair use), and a joke (which is not protected under fair use)? My legal definition of a parody - drawn from an examination of the cases in this area - is the following:

1. A new, copyrightable work

2. Based on a previously copyrighted work

3. To such an extent that the previous work is clearly recognizable

4. But not taking more from the copyrighted work than is necessary

5. That criticizes or comments on, at least in part, the subject matter or style of the previous work, AND

6. Is not likely to hurt the value of the previous work

While most examples of parody turn out to be humorous, humor is absolutely not a requirement. Because "Weird Al's" songs meet the requirements for a parody, he does not need to get permission, nor does he need to pay, the original creator of the song.

Unlike a parody, a satire can stand on its own and make a statement without borrowing from an original work. A satire tends to mock social conventions. When courts are presented with a satire case, they don't say, "This is a satire, so we will give it extra latitude." Rather, they painstakingly set out the manner in which the new work comments on some social condition and use that as a significant factor in their analysis.

In a recent case, the artist Jeff Koons was hired to create a series of paintings for Germany's Deutsch Bank. He scanned advertising images and his own photographs into a computer and digitally superimposing the scanned images against backgrounds of pastoral landscapes to comment on the ways in which our most basic desires are depicted in popular images.

Koons used a photo by Andrea Blanch entitled, "Silk Sandals by Gucci" and incorporated part of the photo into his own artwork, which depicted four pairs of women's feet and lower legs dangling over images of various dessert dishes. The court explained the satire in detail by describing the social comment being made, and it weighed in favor of Koon's appropriation because the use of the photo was transformative and because its purpose was to demonstrate how advertising whetted our various appetites, not to sell shoes for Gucci.

Koons used Blanch's work to comment on its social meaning rather than to exploit its creative virtues. Koons wanted to "comment on the ways in which some of our most basic appetites for food, play, and sex are mediated by popular images." Doesn't this sound like the very definition of satire?

By contrast, a joke is something that is said or done to evoke laughter or amusement. It can be a one-liner or an amusing story with a long-awaited punch line. A parody or satire does not have to be funny. The difference between a parody or satire on the one hand and jokes on the other is crucial, since jokes are not generally copyrightable whereas a parody is. Generally, jokes are considered to be ideas and copyright law only protects expressions of ideas fixed in tangible form. In short, parody and satire are protected by copyright law as a subset of the fair use doctrine, whereas jokes (while some can be very funny) are not protected subject matter covered by copyright law.

Michael C. Donaldson is an entertainment attorney who has been fighting for independent filmmakers for over thirty years. His book Clearance and Copyright [http://www.clearanceandcopyright.com/], the third edition of which was just released, is used in over 50 film schools and has become the standard reference book for the industry.

Visit: [http://www.clearanceandcopyright.com/]

Weird Inventions

Weird inventions can be profitable. I just saw a report on the news about an automated dog wash at a car wash. Get the car and the dog clean all at once! Of course, ideas for inventions that are just weird and interesting or funny is okay too. By the way, the ideas below are not patented, so feel free to take them, make them, patent them and earn a few dollars with them. Good luck!

Wind chimes made from bones. There are a lot of people out there who like the morbid side of life, and I'll bet they buy wind chimes too. Of course, they don't have to be human bones!

Machine that induces naps. Some of the brain wave entrainment CDs I've been using for months are really powerful. One puts me to sleep everytime, anytime of the day. This technology could be used to create a system for baby cribs and kid's beds. The machine would play CDs which slow down brain waves and puts kids to sleep. More than a few parents would buy this.

Wall-mounted furniture. Have a steel track built into the perimeter of the room, and furniture designed to hang from this. The couches, tables and chairs wouldn't need legs, and would be easy to clean under. Of course, if you produce the system, the customer has to buy furniture from you.

Furniture that glows in the dark. Perhaps it would be more practical to have just the edges trimmed with a glow-in-the-dark material. No more bumping into the coffee table in the dark, and a nice party atmosphere too.

Alarm clock that uses voices. Here's one of those easy inventions, and it isn't even that weird. Use one of the "sampler" chips that are found in electronic keyboards. Push the button to record a short message-alarm. Wake up to your own voice, or record a wake-up message from a sexy friend for more motivation. Have it say what you want. "You're late for work!" might work, or might just give you a heart attack.

Exam survival kit. Are you ready for that big exam? Now you are, with your new Examomatic Survival Kit. The kit contains caffeine pills, ginkgo biloba capsules, aromatic oils that "wake up" the brain, and a dozen quick tips for instantly raising your IQ.

Fish kite. look, in the sky! It's a bird, it's a plane... no, it's the new flying fish kite! It's an inflatable kite (no kite sticks), but it flys just like any kite. Comes with a fishing pole for the kitestring, so you can just reel it in when you're done. Fishing in the sky!

A few ideas, and now it's time to come up with your own weird inventions.

Steve Gillman has been exploring new ideas for decades. Visit his site for more weird invention ideas, business ideas, story ideas, political and economic theories, deep thoughts, and more. Get a free gift too: New Ideas ( http://www.999ideas.com )

Weird Non Smoking Laws

We're all well aware of the fact that today smoking is not permitted in any public building. Likewise, smoking is banned even in outdoor gatherings in many places. Most of these non-smoking laws are sane and sensible pieces of legislation that are designed to protect the public health... but... and you might imagined... the weird is always with us in some form. Non-smoking laws aren't the exception. Read on.

In New Orleans, Louisiana, where practically everything is legal, it is against the law for anyone who is participating in carnival or a parade to smoke. Not only that but every float entered in a parade must have a highly visible "No Smoking" sign attached to it.

In Illinois in the little town of Zion, persons are not allowed to give lighted cigars to domesticated animals. The law actually names dogs and cats but the wording seems to include hamsters, gerbils and goldfish as well. So...no matter how much your goldfish begs for a cigar, it is illegal for you to give him one.

New Jersey is, of course, famous for going the extra mile. While you expect to see "Do not Feed the Animals" signs, in New Jersey zoos, you'll also find signs that tell you not to give cigars or cigarettes to the animals.

In New Port, Rhode Island, it's perfectly legal to smoke a pipe but only during daylight hours. It's illegal to smoke a pipe after sunset. Go figure.

In a little town in Missouri, teenagers can buy loose tobacco and rolling paper but they cannot buy a cigarette lighter. Aw, geez....and matches are SO hard to come by!

People are funny. Laws are written by people so, it stands to reason that we get some funny (off the wall... weird) laws.

Get your FREE EBOOK "You Can Stop Smoking in a Week" by Grace Bridges To learn more about kicking the smoking habit visit http://www.stopsmoking.uselfhelp.com

Grace and her husband have a small cattle ranch in East Texas. Grace is an author. She writes for several online marketers as well as for a local ranching publication.

Weird Sells - Get Noticed on the Internet

What is weird, well in the 21st century it's getting more and more difficult to define what is weird and what isn't. According to the dictionary one definition is "Of a strikingly odd or unusual character; strange". Surely that isn't enough any more? A quick look at eBay and you will find hundreds of items that would comply with that definition. Toast with faces on it, Glass jars containing Ghosts and numerous examples of weird and wacky objects, (well weird and wacky according to the people who have submitted them.) The sheer number of them should preclude them from being classed as Weird. Mainstream Newspapers now have pages of weird news and no shortage of people willing to appear on them. The nightly news no longer finishes with heart warming local story it finishes with some weird local happening Weird is big news.

It seems that weird and bizarre are now mainstream and are considered marketing tools or a gateway to 15 minutes of fame. In earlier centuries the highlight of the year was the visit of a circus or a fair and their cast of weird and wonderful characters and creatures. Queues would form outside the tents as people waited to see the latest freaks and bizarre sights. The Internet is the modern equivalent of the Freak Show and with a bit of planning and preparation you can use this desire for the weird and wacky to promote your site or your company.

Viral marketing is the key to your success, Find something that people will find funny and amusing and want to show their friends and you are halfway there. Some recent examples are the plumbers van that had a naked body painted on door so that it looked like a naked person was driving. The photograph traveled from inbox to inbox each time the name of the company was seen along with the URL of their site, it was picked up by local newspapers and local TV and the work flooded in (sorry for the pun!).

It doesn't take a big budget just a big imagination, Find something weird, photograph it watermark the photograph and place it on your site take some anti leeching precautions to stop people copying it and send the link out, visit a few forums and place the link in your signature, pass the photo to some of the many sites specializing in weird soon you will have a stream of traffic to your site.

There is no difference from the Internet to the freak shows of the 19th and 20th Centuries except that this time the freaks are on the outside of the tent!

Mark Thompson ran an IT consultancy in London for many years . He now live in Spain and earns an full time income online. He shares what he has learned about earning an income online at The Income Academy

It May Be Weird, But It's True

Do you believe in miracles? Everyone believes in the Seven Wonders of the World. Many people don't believe in miracles at all. Some people think that miracles have happened before, but you cannot find them anymore. Very few people pay attention to all the weird but true facts that happens every day. Actually, have you ever been thinking how many weird but true facts there are? Some of them are funny facts, some just interesting facts, but all these weird facts do sound like a miracle and something that cannot be true. What is even weirder is that they are true.

Just think about this: "The number of people alive on earth right now is higher than the number of all the people that have ever died". This is like interesting, amazing and weird fact all in one. Do you think it is unbelievable? Well, let me surprise you it is true. Here is another one for you: "Someone on Earth reports seeing a UFO every three minutes". Next one is a funny fact and it is like my favorite: "A hard working adult sweats up to 4 gallons per day". Now I know how to figure out whether an adult is a hardworking or lazy one. Well, not really. This is just the first part of a very interesting fact. The second part actually says that: "Most of the sweat evaporates before a person realizes it's there".